So You Want An Online Diagnosis?

Last week Doctor D sternly rebuked those who wanted him to answer illegal (diagnose-me-over-the-internet) questions.

Several commenters replied it was D's own fault for naming his blog "Ask An MD." I mean seriously, what answers could an MD possibly have worth reading if he can't discuss your bowel problems?

Oh, so THIS is what you wanted?

So "Ask An MD" is running a special this week only:

Doctor D will answer every single diagnosis or treatment question you ask in the comments of this post!

(Very important small-print disclaimer: None of Doctor D's answers will be correct or sensible in any way )

What good are bullshit diagnoses, you may ask?

The Weight of Perfection

One of the greatest stresses in a doctor's life is having to be correct all the time. Of course, we aren't always correct, but people always expect us to be correct. This leads to a lot of stress in a docs life.

The avalanche of questions started early:

When Young D was a Pre-medical student in college people started asking him questions that were totally beyond his abilities. "Hey D, I get this weird feeling in my stomach, but sometimes it isn't there. What is that?"

Ah, to be young and free of the heavy responsibilities of doctoring!

D would just smile, shrug, and say, "Probably either metastatic cancer or gas."

Young D became legendary for his smart-ass diagnoses, and a good time was had by all.

But then Medical School began and the game of diagnosis became one of life and death. A wrong guess could hurt someone—badly. People kept throwing unanswerable questions at him, but the weight of his profession had crushed D's carefree attitude. He began giving evasive responses and advising people see their own doctor.

D has been practicing medicine for a while now. It is heavy stuff to talk to people every day about the ways that their own bodies can cause misery or kill them.

Doctor D actually doesn't like talking about suffering and death. He would rather open your mind and make you smile. So D started this blog answering people's questions about the odd quirks of the medical profession. For D this blog is a lighthearted way to process the hard and nasty stuff he has to see every day at work.

But work found Doctor D in his secret online hide out. He should have expected it—answering questions about doctors brought patients, and patients have questions about diseases they want to ask doctors.

Unfortunately, I can't answer diagnosis or treatment questions, no matter how desperate you are. I have to admit: I don't even want to try. I miss sleep at night over the guesses I make in my real job. Trying to do the same thing on-line would lead poor Doctor D to have a nervous breakdown.

But Doctor D won't abandon you poor folks so desperate for answers. He can't diagnose you but he can offer you the next best thing: Utter Nonsense!

"Nonsense Therapy is all-natural and involves no harsh chemicals!"

Therapeutic Misinformation

Do you doubt the healing power of ridiculous bullshit?

Doctor D learned this lesson as a young doctor. He had been working for months with a patient who was miserable from one of those frustrating mystery illnesses. She was in the office crying and listing her symptoms. Finally Doctor D shrugged and grinned, "All I have left to offer you is racehorse therapy. We take a rifle and put you out of your misery!"

At first Doctor D was petrified. He had let one of his pre-med smartass comments loose on a real person with real suffering! Then the patient smiled—the first smile he’d seen from her in months. Then she laughed, and D laughed with her. They had a good hearty laugh and the patient hugged him as she left the office.

Things were different after that. We talked and laughed a lot. We never found a diagnosis for her, but we ridiculed the disease mercilessly. It made us both feel better.

Nonsensical bullshit from a doctor can have a wonderful therapeutic effect!

Ask any middle-schooler and they will confirm it: The human body is funny! The human body is silly! The human body is gross! The human body is ridiculous! The human body is a low-down Judas that will eventually screw you over then kill you!

The only sensible thing to do is to mock our bodies on a regular basis.

So send Doctor D your symptoms and he shall mock them fiercely! He shall diagnose you with improbable and silly things! He shall loose his inner child to laugh at your bodily functions! He shall suggest ridiculous and painful treatments!

Not a single one of you shall get any useful medical information from Doctor D’s snarky replies... but you still know you want to send D your symptoms!

Therapeutic Misinformation:

Just like Chiropractics!

It feels so good,
you won’t even care that it’s total bullshit!

All questions will be personally answered by the doctor. So send in those aches, tingles, throbs, swellings, and vaginal discharges!

Now, Doctor D is a busy man, and he doesn’t check his email 8 times a day like more dedicated medbloggers. (Grumpy you're embarrassing the rest of us with your annoying dedication!)

Be patient, and the doctor will be in to misinform you and mock your symptoms shortly!

Doctor D Strikes Back!

It's time we make something very, very clear:

This is not a personal medical advice blog!

A lot of people just stumble across the "Ask An MD" name and start firing off questions before they read another word. I realize you regular D Readers are not the offenders but I have to rant at somebody, so Dr. D is going to nip this in the bud right now:

I will NEVER answer diagnosis or treatment questions online!

"Luke, I am NOT your doctor!"

This isn't that I don't love you guys. It just can't happen. I challenge you to find any MD giving personal medical advice to strangers online. Nope it isn't there!

Doctor D put this info on the "Email Dr. D" page but still a majority the letters to Doctor D basically ask: "Here are my symptoms. What should I do?"

Doctor D used to write polite replies explaining that the blog is here to answer general questions about doctors and the medical system, but I really cannot diagnose you... etc.

..but as the popularity and google rank of this blog has grown Doctor D's inbox has become congested with please-treat-me-over-the-Internet emails. Abandoning all bedside manners, Dr D has begun sending snarky rebukes to the worst offenders: "Did you read the f*cking disclaimer!?!"

But that pesky medical compassion keeps D feeling sorry for all these people sending hopeless requests for help to some random medical blog!

Could These Emails Be The Symptom Of A Real Problem?

This deluge of unanswerable questions got Doctor D thinking. These people begging for answers reveal some real issues with the medical system:

1. Sick people are desperate for answers.
2. It is way too hard to get a doctor to talk to you. It costs too much money to get in, and even then the doc is in and out in like 5 minutes!
3. Doctors are terrible at addressing what is really bothering patients.

"Houston, we have a problem."

Unfortunately, turning to some anonymous doc on a blog is not the solution to these problems.

Do you really want to risk getting an answer from an anonymous doc who can't examine you—some dude who may sleep under a bridge and just plays doctor online to meet chicks? Trust me: you don't want to do that!

And Doctor D won't risk his medical license making random guesses over email for people he's never laid eyes on. Giving you a harmful misdiagnosis over the internet would make Dr. D feel terrible, and it could be the blood in the water that sparks a feeding frenzy of lawyers and disciplinary boards.

Perhaps someday doctors will be more accessible, better communicators, and be able to treat you over the Internet, but this just isn't a reality right now.

Now you have to deal with regular screwed-up doctors working in a bizarre healthcare system. Yes, it sucks, but you really don't have many other options.

This is why Doctor D runs this blog: To help you navigate the tricky world of real doctors.

If He Can't Be My Doctor, What Use Is Doctor D?

Well, if you would even consider writing some anonymous blog for help then your doctor-patient relationship is probably on life support.

It may not be your fault (doctors suck at relationships—just ask Lady D), but you will be the one who gets hurt.

Instead of desperately emailing random bloggers on the internet for answers which will likely be wrong, why don't you learn to work on with the doctors you have in your life?

Doctor D volunteers his time as a relationship counselor for your doctor-patient relationships. D isn't going be your doctor (although, he blogs anonymously so, who knows, he might actually be your doctor?), but he just might teach you how to make your own doctor useful!

So respect D's boundaries! ...And send me some questions I can work with!

What do you think?

Currently there is no way to get answers direct from a doctor online. Getting diagnosed by a doctor miles away who can't examine you is a recipe for mistakes, BUT it would be convenient.

Would you be willing to take a risk with an online doctor? Would you forgo the ability to sue if the advice harmed you? Should the standards of doctor-patient relationships change to adopt to the wired world?

By the way, if you ever sent Dr. D a forbidden e-mail now is your chance to grovel and beg for his forgiveness!

Dr. D's Guide to Killing Your Loved Ones

A very different question this week:

"What can I put in someone's IV that will kill them fast?"

Now don't start judging yet...

This person was writing out of compassion not hate. Someone they love has a terminal illness and asked them to do this if the pain got too bad. (Think: Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby)

It is a hard question. I feel for the person who wrote because I have been in this situation many times.

The Moment of Truth

There is the moment when doctors say, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we have that will stop your illness. The disease will win shortly and you will die."

We are all going to die one day—many of us from illnesses that are long and painful. Everyone mentally acknowledges this as a concept, but when you are on the receiving end of such news it still hits you like a ton of bricks.

It is not uncommon for people to get in a very dark place after this news. Despair, fear, and hopelessness are understandable emotions given the circumstances.

Doctor D is by no means the final word on such a heavy topic, but perhaps I can offer some perspective from a doctor who has accompanied many patients on that difficult final path...

A Cry for Help

Depression is miserable. Anyone who has depression can attest that the mental anguish of hopelessness can be just as terrible as the worst physical pain. Often depression is triggered by traumatic life events.

The good news is that depression is not the end. Most people recover from depression, especially depression that is due to horrible news.

We all work very hard to convince a suicidal but otherwise healthy 20 year old that life can be better and their depression can be treated. Why should we not similarly address the depression of terminally ill patients? Whether someone's life will be decades or days they can live to the fullest when supported by people who love them.

Often when a dying person asks someone to kill them it is a cry for help. In their despair they are asking, "Am I worth anything anymore?"

The answer they need to hear is, "Yes, you are still worth everything to me! I may not be able to save your life, but I will cherish and honor you to the very end."

Every terminal patient that ever asked me to die, they later expressed to me their joy in life and how much they value their time once they had made peace with what was happening. Depression can be treated allowing people to pass with a peaceful heart.

Do not doubt the value of a human spirit, even during the final hours! Doctor D once watched a dying woman do more good during her last day of life in a hospital bed than he has done in all his years of practice.

Fear of Pain

Hurting sucks. We all hate pain and want to avoid it. The thought of dying in pain is intolerable even to consider. And a lot of fatal conditions are also very painful. Many people who otherwise are at peace with dying might contemplate suicide to avoid the pain at the end.

I believe that the field of Hospice is perhaps the finest breakthrough medicine has made in recent decades. Hospice is care for those with terminal illnesses.

Hospice is the art and science of comfort, and as a discipline they have made amazing discoveries in the treatment of people in the dying process.

There is no reason that anyone with terminal illness needs to die alone and in pain these days.

It is sad, but many people still don't know about Hospice. (I guess it's because they don't have their own TV dramas like every other field of medicine. I suppose the ratings wouldn't be good for a medical drama when the patient dies every episode.) Many patients seem shocked when I tell them there are teams of medical professionals that are skilled at managing every aspect of care at the end of life.

Not only do they insure you don't physically suffer, but they address the emotional and spiritual pain of facing death as well. Hospice patients are able to pass in peaceful environments or even in their home. There is support for the family as well. And yes, insurance does cover it.

Many patients are skeptical if Hospice can really deliver.

People figure that if fighting an illness was miserable, then loosing to it must be torture. Back in the old days that may have been the case, however, hospice has an advantage: they aren't trying to cure you. The very thing that seems like the problem they use to create solutions. Without needing to cure anything they can avoid any procedure that causes pain, and they don't have to avoid treatments that might not be good for your illness because fixing your illness is no longer the goal. Your comfort becomes the ultimate goal.

I have never seen a hospice patient die in pain.

Some patients wonder if they can trust the doctors and nurses involved with Hospice to really care about their pain. "Aren't a lot of doctors jerks who enjoy hurting patients who complain too much?" I admit, there are some callous doctors, but I have yet to see a single one involved in the hospice system that wasn't about as kind as a human can be.

Please don't touch the IV!

So in response to the question: Your loved one is asking for your help, but it is important to recognize help they need. Putting down your loved one like a dog is not the solution—despite what Clint Eastwood says.

Love, support, respect, and connecting them to resources that can help them through this difficult time is the right and humane approach.

Doctor D always loves to hear your thoughts. Have you ever had someone you care about feel this way? Have medical professionals ever wanted to help someone die?

Anyone have any experiences with Hospice?

I realize that suicide is a difficult topic with lots of emotion on all sides. Please share opinions and discuss with respect.

Should Fear of Patients Keep You From Medicine?

The first of the series: Should I Become A Doctor?

A confused premed writes Doctor D for advice:

"I really want to be a doctor, but I have a fear of sick people. I don't mind needles or blood and guts, it's just people being physically sick that I am horrified by. It's the only thing holding me back from applying to Medical School. Is this something you think I can overcome?"

Excellent question my young friend!

The good news is that you aren't the only person who feels discomfort in the company of ill people. Many people feel this way to some extent or another. Ask any chronically ill person and they'll tell you how often people squirm in their presence. If you want to be a doctor you will eventually need to work comfortably around sick folks, but first lets examine why people feel this unease...

Why would you be horrified by sick people?

1) You're afraid you will catch their disease.

I suppose this is an understandable concern. But many illnesses aren't contagious and most of the others can be easily prevented with proper hand washing and immunizations. Doctor D has caught more things from his preschooler than he ever caught from patients!

But... I suppose there is always a small chance you will catch a bad illness from practicing medicine. If you aren't willing to take this risk then you should probably stay away from medical school.

2) Ill people remind you of your own frailty and mortality.

If you want to blissfully imagine you will live forever in perfect health the existence of illness in others is a painful reminder of reality. If fear of sick people is an extension of your personal dread of death then by all means stay away from medicine because every day at work will terrify you.

Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists with the this issue are drawn to medicine because they want the MD as a status symbol. They leave medical practice when they realize that the presence of suffering kills their hedonistic buzz. Good riddance!

3) Ill people make you uncomfortable because you feel their discomfort.

Human beings are social creatures. We all to some extent experience the world through the experiences of others. When we are around people who suffer—if we are at all feeling persons—we tend to feel a small amount of their pain.

This is Empathy, and empathy has motivated some truly amazing people to choose medicine as a career. Rather than avoiding the ill because of the sympathetic pain they feel, many empathic people want to help those who suffer.

If you are disturbed by ill people because you feel their pain, then you can become an understanding doctor goes the extra mile to help. We need more doctors like this.

If this is you, then you could have the makings of an excellent physician!

"Trust me kid, I'm more scared of you than you are of me!"

Disclaimer: Empathy Can Be Handicap Too!

If you feel so strongly for ill people that you turn into a puddle of ineffective mush when confronted with the suffering of another person then you aren't much use. Sick people come to doctors for help, and sympathy is an extra—a good extra, but only if it comes with professional help and skill.

Can you calm your emotions enough to think clearly and help people who are suffering greatly?

Also, empathetic doctors tend to get burned out. It's wonderful that you feel for your patients, but you have to realize that disease always wins in the end. You will lose a lot of patients. You will be unable to cure a lot of diseases. If your motivation for being in medicine is helping people's suffering you will have a lot of days you want to just give up. This is called compassion fatigue and it is the bane of kind doctors everywhere.

Can you keep doing your work with sick people and still care even when you lose again and again?

If you can maintain your empathy despite these obstacles you may just find that your initial anxiety around sick people made you into an even better doctor!

What do you think?

Patients: Would you be comfortable seeing a doctor who still sometimes feels uncomfortable around sick people? Would you go see our young premed once she graduates from medical school?

Med Students and Doctors: Have you ever overcome a dread of ill people?

PreMeds: Dr. D loves bringing premeds to the hospital and answering their questions about medicine. He always gives it to them straight about what it is really like to go through the training and then practice. So send him more questions!

32 Years

The winner of the contest to guess Doctor D's age:

Drumroll please...

Linda!

She correctly nailed it on the head at 32 years old. Although she loses points for suggesting that Mrs. D is a "teenyboppper" [D married a woman his own age, thank you!] she still wins the coveted Medical Mafia Mug!

Congrats to Old MD Girl for finishing as runner up with a guess of 31!

But apparently Doctor D doesn't look 32.

While looking younger than one's actual age may be the goal of maturing women, it doesn't always bode well for an MD.

Patients who don't know D usually refer to him as "that young doctor."

Often in the middle of an examination patients will stop and ask, "Doctor D, how old are you?" The don't care much about the age I tell them. The real question is, "Do you have enough experience to be taking care of me?"

"Hi, I'm your new doctor. No, really I am! Wait, where are you going?"

Actually D has had an MD at the end of his name for half a dozen years and knows his shit, but it doesn't matter when the babyface stirs up immediate distrust.

D would grow a long beard to radiate age and wisdom if Mrs. D could stand kissing it, but since she dislikes beards, Doctor D has to wear his face stubbly to keep the old ladies from asking if he would like to meet their granddaughter who is still in highschool.

Admit it. This is the doctor you hoped for, isn't it?

The fact is that everyone expects a really good doctor should be old.

Now D isn't hating on old doctors, since he plans to be one eventually, but it gets frustrating when patients give him that "Oh shit, a young doctor. I'm gonna die!" look when they first lay eyes on him.

What do you think? Does a doctor's age change your expectations about his or her competence? Do you prefer younger or older MD's to care for you?

D always loves to hear your thoughts!

PS: Linda, email me so I can send you your award!

The Doctors In The Ivory Tower

After spending the last month on sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll Doctor D is back to discussing hardcore medical issues:

Sick Momma asks,

"Everyone tells me I should go to Mayo Clinic or Johns Hopkins. Are the doctors there so much better?"

If you travel to Hopkins or Mayo you are basically paying extra for "name brand" medical care.

Is the name brand better than the regular stuff? Sometimes, but often it's just more costly for the exact same thing. The docs in those places have all published a lot of studies or are recognized names in their field.

"I am the chairman of Medical Expertology at Ivory Tower University, and I am never wrong about anything."

The Academic Brand

Doctor D's time in the ivory tower of medical training revealed to him that the biggest brains in medicine aren't always the best at caring for patients.

Some super-experts will be good at the bedside, but quite a few of them suck at actual doctoring.

Occasionally the super sub-sub specialist expert will know something useful to you that your regular working doc didn't know, but this is more rare than you think. Academic abstraction can also prove a distraction from the simple problem-solving that is often needed. If your car isn't acting right a regular mechanic is usually a better choice than the mechanical engineer at a big name university.

The SuperClinics

The Mayo Clinic is a bit different from academia. They are more hands-on than academic. Superclinics like Mayo pride themselves on being a Mecca for VIP patients.

From anecdotal stories from patients I know who went to Mayo my impression is that they do a lot more tests than most doctors. More tests can be a double edged sword. If you've been reading AskAnMD you know that more care isn't always better. Doctor D has a relative who had a very bad outcome at Mayo after what sounds to have been excessive, unnecessary testing.

In the end, big brand name hospitals and clinics will often do the same tests or treatments your local doctor would do, but the diagnosis or cure is considered more "brilliant" or "amazing" just because it happened Mayo or Hopkins.

A lot of people go thousands of miles to get the exact same care they could have gotten down the street.

Generally speaking I would advise people to work with local resources first.

Only if you are told by the you local docs that you are beyond their abilities would I suggest you look into the big names. Often the primary doctors and specialists in your own area are more convenient and just as good for your needs.

What do you think? Do any readers have first-hand stories from the "Ivory Towers" of medicine? Did you go for a rare disease or a common problem?

Do you think that the care there was superior to the care you could have gotten in your own city?

Music, Marijuana, and Moving

Okay, this time Doctor D will be asking the questions!

Doctor D isn't answering questions this week because he's trying to take care of patients while packing up all his earthly belongings and he spent all last weekend camping in Tennessee with thousands of Hippies at Bonnaroo Music Festival, and is still recovering from sleep deprivation and a sunburn. But D did get to enjoy some excellent shows.

D got his musical groove on at quite a few shows such as Dave Matthews, Tori Amos, John Butler Trio, Regina Spector, Gillian Welch, Dave Rawlings, and a lot of no-name bands.

What was the best show, you may ask? Actually it was a British band that I had never heard of before: Mumford & Sons. You should check them out:



But even more noticeable than the music was the ubiquitous use of recreational drugs. Apparently D was the only person in the entire festival that was remained sober.

While I really appreciate all the friendly hippies that offered me all the free pot, if Doctor D ever fails a piss test the DEA could take away his prescribing privileges.

All of Doctor D's stoner friends understood and were kind enough to take all the free drugs themselves so as to protect D's license, but what really shocked them was that D had never tried drugs, even in his life before doctoring. They just never appealed to me. I was enjoying life enough without them.

By the way: Have you ever noticed how Baby Boomers (my parents) all say that they "experimented" with drugs in the 60's and 70's? Like it was so scientific! They weren't being irresponsible like kids these days—they were just doing it for science. They are all against drugs now because thanks to their rigorous research the hypothesis that drugs make you high has been proven beyond a doubt.

Doctor D's high friends were outraged that D had never been high. "How can you talk to patients about drugs if you never tried them?!?" They felt D's integrity as a physician was compromised by his lack of experience with recreational drugs.

Now my friends may have been high, but they bring up a legitimate point that a lot of AskAnMD readers have wondered as well:

How can a doctor care for people, when he or she has never experienced what they are going through?

Doctor D has never personally experienced 99% of the conditions he sees.

Of course, no one can experience everything, but why aren't we even trying to integrate personal experience into the training of doctors? Back in the old days they actually valued experience. They even used to intentionally infect medical students with diseases such as Typhoid or Malaria from time to time for research. They figured it was important they knew how it felt to be that sick. I can imagine that program went away after a few students kicked the bucket, but the idea behind it makes sense.

Why aren't medical schools intentionally recruiting students who have been patients with serious illnesses in the past?

What do you think: Should Doctor D try out a relatively benign mind-altering drug such as Marijuana, even if it doen't appeal to him, in order to better understand the experiences and motivations of his stoner patients?

I am eager to hear your thoughts.

...and while discussing:

What do you think of medical marijuana?

More and more states are asking doctors to be the "gatekeepers" for every possible way of getting high. Doctor D is kind of annoyed by this trend.

Doctors have had the pill form of marijuana available for years and its legitimate medical usefulness is very limited. Shift the responsibility to doctors and before you know it our offices get flooded with hippies who suddenly suffer from intractable nausea. If the legislature wants to legalize pot then they should do it in a straighforward manner. Doctor D, for one, will not be writing any prescriptions for weed.

I look forward to our thoughts in the comments. Thanks to everyone for your patience with D's lack of posting this month. The moving truck will be here in a few days and life has been too hectic for regular blogging.

I promise to be back on July 1st with a totally amazing answer post.