The Doctor Will Grope You Now

Doctor D, what are your thoughts on the TSA?

Okay, so no one actually emailed me this, but it’s high time Doctor D set things straight!

Dr. D’s prescription for America:

Stop being such snively, self-important, brats!

So what gives a medical doctor any right to speak on transportation and counter-terrorism?

Doctors also do full body searches. We call them physical exams.

During these exams we touch and look at every part of the body. I stick my fingers in vaginas, rectums, and mouths. I even sometimes do these exams on children—Oh, the horror! Lock up that sick man!!!!

How do doctors get away with this disgusting violations of your rights? We feel you up under the guise of keeping you safe. The TSA learned their trick from doctors!

These exams are theoretically voluntary, but most doctors will decline to take care of you unless you submit to some sort of medical pat-down. What an outrage!

Is All Touching Dirty?

Look, we all recognize that this is a weird situation. Touching a stranger’s body is awkward for both the toucher and the touchee. It is human nature to reserve close physical contact for family, intimate friends, and lovers. But sometimes we must do things that feel unnatural.

It is my job to touch every person who seeks my help.

Sorry, but when we spend all day touching bodies we kind of get used to it. You may see your body as a unique and private expression of yourself, but we see it simply as a dull object that must be checked for signs of danger.

You may feel violated because I had to check your prostate, but it didn’t bother me one bit. Checking your rectum is no more disturbing to me than checking your ear.

Of course, we try to be sensitive. Doctor D has had to do some invasive exams on little kids and sexual assault victims. We should take our patients’ feelings into account, but not not doing our job at all isn’t sensitivity—it’s incompetence.

Here's The Naughty Part (Stop here if skimming!)

What everybody's getting really worked up about is genitals! You only let people touch those in the most intimate of moments, except of course at the doctor’s office or the airport. Then you get a stranger poking around some sensitive spots.Doctor D will go ahead and answer your question now:

No. We are not thinking about sex, and if you are that’s your problem—not ours.

We aren’t eunuchs or anything like that—we are just focused on the job. Doctor D is a red-blooded heterosexual man who loves women as much as the next guy, but D can honestly say he has never once felt anything amorous about a patient during an exam. You could be a supermodel or an 80 year old grandmother and Doctor D feels exactly the same about touching you during an exam. Doctors learn quickly to see the bodies we work on as tasks to be completed rather conduits of passion.

Sure there is the occasional true sicko, but these people so rare that you chances of having one of them examine you is pretty minuscule. Doctor D has known quite a few doctors who were walking hormones and hit on everything of the opposite sex they ever met, and still these docs were nothing but professional and trustworthy when doing physical exams. A professional touching of the private parts is about as unromantic a situation as possible.

The attracting effect of the human body has no power over me when I wear the white coat! "Sorry, but I just don’t feel that way about you. It’s not you—it’s me"

Can We Handle This Like Grown-Ups?

I feel for the TSA agents. They are getting harassed for just doing their job. Physical exams suck. I’m sure pat-downs do too. But if they are necessary in order to ensure your safety and they are required to fly, then you should either grin and bare it or plan a long road trip.

This TSA fiasco irritates Doctor D to no end! It’s not that people dislike body searches. That is understandable. It’s the attitude of enraged entitlement that irks Doctor D. Everybody demands everything be done perfectly, safely, and cheaply and with no inconvenience to them whatsoever:

“I feel bad! I demand your full attention. Don’t make me wait; don’t poke at me; and don’t you dare tell me the treatment has risks or side effects! I have a constitutional right to everything I want right now and without any bother!”

And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we are spoiled assholes?

Doctor D will be flying over the Christmas holidays, and when it’s time for his pat-down he will thank the beleaguered TSA agents for keeping us safe.

Your thoughts?

Any of you out there who's had a TSA pat-down that thinks it is worse than a pelvic exam?

Do you think patients should get treatments they want while “opting out” of the physical exam?

While Doctor D always loves to hear your thoughts, if your comments are too whiny or bratty Dr. D will hunt you down and administer a punitive rectal exam!

Do Chicks Dig Doctors?

Do women find you more attractive because you have an MD?

(Hard to tell, since all women swoon in the presence of Doctor D's masculine charisma even when he isn't wearing a white coat.)

Actually though, if you go into medicine because you are looking for a sexy and glamorous life you'll likely be disappointed...

Everybody reads House Of God or watches TV medical dramas and assumes that medical folks do nothing but save lives, kick ass, and fornicate like rockstars.

Millions of bright young people sign up for medical school every year certain the opposite sex will find them irresistible with MD behind their names.

"Irresistible? You know I am! ...and I totally just banged these hot nurses."

What they find instead is exhausting, banal work that destroys personal time, and patients too sick and coworkers too beleaguered to even consider romance.

But to answer the question:

"Yes, there are women who might find a man with an MD more attractive, but it is not as cool as you might imagine."

(Sorry Dr. D can only answer from the male perspective. Perhaps a woman can tell the story of the female MD's love life in the comments?)

The Social Life

If you go around in your private life saying "Hey, nice to meet you. I'm a doctor!" the ladies will think you are trying too hard. And trying too hard is not cool.

And once people realize you are a doctor they still really won't care. Generations ago being a doctor may have meant something. Perhaps back in the day when a physician entered the room everyone was struck with reverent awe, but these days nobody really cares. Being a doctor means you might be intelligent, but you're also overworked and up to the eyeballs in student loan debt. Not so sexy!

Seducing the Silly Ones

The only place where being a doctor means much is in hospitals and clinics. In the medical environment the MD means something, and there's nothing women find more attractive than a guy who is in charge. But think about it: are intelligent, interesting women in the hospital going to be lead astray by silly teenie-bopper fantasies in which the a doctor replaces the handsome prince? Nope, only the ditsy or creepy chicks!

I don't know about you, but Doctor D isn't into silly women.

So it is a rare occurrence when a woman that you would actually be interested in is attracted to you because you are a doc. But it does happen...

The Femme Fatale:

There was once a beautiful and intelligent patient who had visited Doctor D several times. Then one day she came to D's office with a hurt knee. Doctor D was dutifully examining the knee when he couldn't help but notice that not only was this attractive patient wearing a short skirt, but she also was lacking underwear!

Now in other situations obvious signals that a beautiful person has the hots for me is at least flattering, but not at work.

Doctor D stood up, said "Excuse me," and walked out. He brought a nurse in to chaperone, and for the rest of the exam kept his eyes nowhere but the knee. The patient never returned.

Sorry to disappoint you, beautiful ladies, but at work Doctor D keeps it strictly professional!

Keeping It Professional

Apparently in years past there was a more lax attitude toward frisky behavior in the hospital. Older nurses tell stories about the 70's in which the entire hospital seems to have been one big orgy with doctors, nurses, and patients going at it like bunny rabbits. (It's hard to tell if these reports are true or just the sentimental musings of soon-to-be-senile baby boomers.)

"McDreamy, I'm just too busy with romantic entanglements to see patients right now."

Despite what you may presume from watching Grey's Anatomy such funny business is no longer tolerated in hospitals. With political correctness, sexual harassment, and lawyers circling like sharks there isn't any room for behavior that isn't totally professional.

The doctors and nurses of today may be more laid back than those of the generation before us, but when it comes to mixing business and pleasure we are downright puritanical.

So, attention to all lusty young premeds:

Becoming a doctor will not get you laid! And if it does get you laid, you might ruin your career and lose your medical license in the process.

If you want to live like a rockstar, you should probably join a band.

But don't lose hope. You can still have an exciting love life. It's just that the MD won't help.

D met the stunningly beautiful future Lady D when he was in medical school. First thing she said when she found out what he did, "Ugh, I hate doctors!"

D responded, "Really? Me too! Too bad I'm about to be one of them."

I won her despite the MD. How you like them apples!

Feel free to tell your stories and opinions in the comments.

Doctor D can't wait to hear the heart-wrenching drama of your experiences in the odd world of medical romance!